The Right Choice
by Songwillow789
Summary: Ryan has a reflection on his relationship with Lilywish.


They didn't give me any prey. It was grass, only grass. Just about any uncanny plant sprouting in this cold dark den. My shackles are made of roses; the thorns cut deep into my skin but I'm used to it now. I went from the capturer to the captive. Wonderful move, me.

But I don't regret. Not for one single moment in this putrid den. All right, I regret not being strong enough. I regret waking Ashheart out of my panic, I regret letting the Resolutes have their way. But it doesn't matter anyway. I could've never lived up to be a good mate as any other.

I wonder what happened to Lilywish. I've been counting (yes) and it's been approximately 8 moons. If I had been with her, we would've joked about how we were getting old. We might have...might have even had kits. _Kits._ Did she take a new mate? Have new kits? Do anything she could to forget me? Does she even know I'm alive?

I know she still loves me, I know it. But I am just a passing memory of her beautiful mind. She deserves better than me, but there is a part of me that just can't let her go - according to my brother, Jay.

 _I hear the whispers. I hear them clearly. "Hopefully you will not be weak considering he is your brother." A low, familiar growl says._

 _"Of course not, Commander."_

 _Soon, Jay comes in, padding gently on the dry grass with his silver, moon-washed paws. He looks up at me with the same amber eyes I had seen on my first day in this cruel, cruel world - but instead of warmth, there is coldness; ice. I immediately realize what's going to happen._

 _"So long, brother," Jay says quietly, avoiding my gaze and instead stares at my bloodied forelegs. "Never knew it would end this way."_

 _End?_

 _"Kill me if you want," I growl in a low voice._

 _Jay does not hesitate. "No," He says sharply, and stalks over to_ _the object_ _. "You don't deserve that."_

 _"What do I do deserve?"_

 _Jay turns back, eyes flashing. My own eyes travel to where his paws are. He steps forward menacingly but I know there is no true hate inside him. He stops a mouse-length away from my muzzle. "Why?" Is all he asks._

 _I stare into his fiery eyes. "Pardon?"_

 _"Why did you do this, Ryan? What about all our dreams?" Jay starts pacing in the den. "How we'd challenge each other to be the better Resolute, all our training, our lives? And you'd throw all that away for-for a she-cat? One that is our enemy?"_

 _I straighten. "Maybe you don't get it, Jay. Actually, you don't."_

 _He straightens too. "What?"_

 _"Have you ever loved, Jay? No, you haven't. So stop pretending you understand me and what I did!"_

 _That sets it off. Jay glances briefly at the beech whip in his claws, the wood stiff and hard. He reaches up and slashes it against my flank. I yowl in pain as my fur makes contact with wood, and I see blood dribbling down my side._

 _"Didn't want to do this, Ryan," Jay says, his face contorted with fury. "But you don't understand me as I don't you either. I have loved. You don't understand the slightest bit because you only had your little mistress for a moon. I knew Xenia for all my life yet she still chose Alfred. You haven't felt the slightest bit of pain as me! You've always acted as if you were better!"_

 _I'm shocked into silence. "You love Xenia?"_

 _"I used too," Jay paces. "But what's the point? Love is a game and I've lost. As have you."_

 _"At least you can find someone else."_

 _Jay freezes. "Pardon?"_

 _"I mean, at least you're not confined here forever. You still have a chance. Don't forget the way Aubrie always looks at you."_

 _Jay smiles a little, then slightly frowns.. "Thanks." He hesitates, then steps out, leaving the whip._

 _I strain my ears to hear. "I'm quite sure he's changed, Commander. I'm sure he could be moved up to patrolled soldier-"_

 _"Absolutely not! You do not make decisions for m-the master, Jay. You are dismissed now."_

 _I catch a flash of Jessica Ruth's sharp, malevolent eyes before she disappears._

Now I'm here and it's been more moons. But I still keep track. I nibble on a dead beetle, still thinking of Lilywish. What if that mission was given to another cat? Lilywish would be dead and I could carry on. Or would they fall in love with her too?

Was it the wrong choice? Should I have just watched the Gathering and killed her later instead of participating? That is where I went wrong, yes. But I would've continued this bad life of a rogue thief yet I'd still have all the glory. All the things I gave up for in the name of love...

But in my heart I know,

It was the right choice.

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